Thoughts...

So I just realized that I'm supposed to write in English.. Or so does our settings say.

Tonight I'll give it a try, so please, bare my lack of grammar-skills. I've got two english tests coming up next week, and, of course, I didn't really felt like study this weekend.

Anyways...

I've spent this weekend most to myself. But I did went away dinner with my, somewhat older, friends, Sandra and Johanna. So I went to Johanna's and her husbands place. She's only 20 years old, but has been married for over a year already. They radiates calmness around each other, it's like... real. Sandra are also in a solid relationship since about 4,5 years back (same as Johanna) And they're also bloody glowing together.

We all go to practice KungFu at least twice every week, and I often think about how lucky they are, and of course, how extremely lost I am.

I seem to find small downs with all guys whom has shown any sort of interest in me (I'm 100% positive on the facts, that they were all practically trash-in-space and BARLY even men).

It's not like I'm picky or anything, I just know what I can expect, and what I want.

Sandra and Johanna got it. I'm very happy for them, truly!

If I would be as lucky as they are, I will have to hurry up, cause then I only got about six month from now ;).

I don't know why I started to think about it all of a sudden. I guess it's our human nature. Instincts of some sort. Yet, don't really care, I'm fine as it is really. It would be nice though, sometimes, to be two. ^^...

Until then, I'm going to practice even more and sign up for celibacy!

Huh, this english thing does not work for me.. at all, tonight.

(And the fact that I just realized that Céline Dion's "All by Myself" are playing, does not quiet help.. So much better, "Mulan - I'll make a man out of you")

This character (bellow), means "Passion". Feel the word. I just love it so much.

To put your whole heart, spirit and soul in to what you believe in. Try once again and even harder to achieve your goals. That's how I define "Passion", believe in a dream.

情熱

"yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift"

I think we can affect our destiny or future or whatever we call it. As long as we keep it true to our hearts, cause it will always find a way.

BELLOW, that's pretty much me x)

Screw birthdays

Jag har upptäckt att jag knappt har skrivit mina funderingar över min vän's inlägg på denna bloggen än. Hon har gjort helt rätt i att göra precis det i sina inlägg, då denna bloggen trots allt är en gemensam blogg. Så säg "fy skam" och skicka mig att skämmas i ett hörn.


FranzEdward's senaste inlägg bringade många minnen till mig när jag läste det. Minnen om gungande. Minnen om promenader. Oftast inte ena utan den andre, speciellt när dessa aktiviteter gjordes i hennes sällskap, och ofta inte utan antingen lite dagg eller ösregn. Dock har jag aldrig funderat på ögonblicket då allt står stilla i höjdpunkten i en gungning. Det får undersökas i sommar =) 

I hate birthdays.
I hate the pathetic family gatherings on birthdays.
I hate all the congratulations I recieve on birthdays.
I hate being woken up at 6 in the morning and get food shoved on to my lap, being expected not to feel sick from eating at such an atrocious time of day.
And gifts on christmas beat birthday presents any day. I tend to just ask kindly for some spare cash for me to spend on a couple meals at fast food restaurants, since food makes me more happy than a couple shirts and half a dozen pairs of socks.
I hate birthdays.

So was I ever happy when I realized my 18th birthday would take place up in the air on a commercial airplane heading towards Europe. And since I knew that the precise time of my birthday was April 2nd at 00:48 AM, I went ahead and assumed that none of the people that knew me on the same plane would be awake to congratulate me as the clock ticked and marked my eighteenth year on this godforsaken planet.
I usually don't care much for my birthdays, but since this was my 18th and the circumstances made it less aggravating, I decided to try to enjoy this one and asked the person sitting next to me (A school mate also going on the trip I was on) for his watch an hour before I'd turn a year older. I also decided I'd watch Crazy Heart, a movie I've wanted to see ever since Jeff Bridges got an Oscar for his performance in it. So I was happy as could be while waiting for the time to pass me by.

At 00.38, Bad Blake (Jeff Bridges) performs a country song in a local bar with some newbie band mates, sweaty, scruffy and drunk out of his wits, and forgets the words for his own song. I pause it to absorb the moments leading up to my silent birthday, and check out the GPS map in front of me. The plane is right above the southeast coast of Greenland, and there's some sort of marked location on the coast with a strange name I can't pronounce, nor remember anymore, though it may be the one marked on the map below. Sitting in the middle section, obviously I have no window seat. But I look to the left and see the sun rising out of one of the windows, and it must have been beautiful up close. I look to the right hand windows and see nothing but darkness. How the sun was rising to my left, which would be north, I have no clue of, but I don't really care.

5 minutes left. I decide it'd be fitting to think of my life up until this point, and contemplate over what has been worthwhile. Unfortunately I'm not that deep of a person when it comes down to it, and started to just think of the pointlessness of it all. Original, I know. /wrists.
One minute left. The plane moved over one pixel on the screen, and I'm watching the seconds tick away on my travel buddy's watch. A baby coughs. A toilet gets flushed, probably waking up the people sitting near it. Some minor turbulence occurs. The constant noise of air rushing past the airplane's shell is as loud as ever.

00:48:01. It happened and I didn't feel a thing. I've never felt such anticlimax. I assume this is what it must be like to not ejaculate during sex while watching your partner fake an orgasm louder than a bull snorting weed (Logic = wtf?!?). To top it all off, when I resume my movie, Bad Blake rushes outside midway through the song to vomit in a trashcan, dropping his sunglasses right in the mess. I somehow feel it was directed at me, for whatever reason.
But I was still very happy. I am now allowed to do what I want after all. My two friends in the row in front of me (one of which has now decided to erase me from her life without explanation, oh joy!) didn't turn around to yell at my face. Nobody rushed over singing happy birthday, a song which I will someday revise so gruesomely it will never be sung again.
Instead, all the yelling and singing happened once we landed. Oh dammit... But what can you do?

___________________

The dead leaf awaits
A chilling wind to pass by
Trembling, it lets go

Tomorrow is a brand new day. So move along..

Först.. ursäkta, jag massakerade layouten. Joseph måste hjälpa mig med allt praktiskt.

Jag beundrar min väns öppenhet och uppriktighet, även för offentlighetens ögon skriver han från hjärtat. Lite krumelurer dock, men fortfarande äkta. Jag önskar att jag vågade vara lika uppriktig. Jag vet ingenting om att blogga, eller ens uttrycka känslor för andras öron. Men det är dags att skriva många hundra krumelurer och försöka!

Min vän berättade om kärlek. Det är någonting jag inte vet speciellt mycket om. Tillräckligt mycket för att avvakta och "move along/go with the flow" utan att kämpa för det. Tillräckligt lite för att tvivla på det. Jag har upplevt delar av det. Den känslan går inte att ta miste om. Men jag minns inte hur det var, jag har förträngt det. Så om du som läser är kär, vänta inte på ett "rätt tillfälle" eller liknande, det finns inga sånna. Ta vara på dina känslor och var ärlig mot dig själv! Du kan inte lura ditt inre. Det är värt att sätta sig själv högst, man lär sig ingenting annars!

Hur som helst..

Jag gick en lång promenad inatt. Tog en tur över till "husvik", en brygga vid havet, där du kan se horisonten. Jag går till ställen vid havet när jag behöver andas.. så långt från mitt hus som möjligt helst, bara för att få andas.Rensa mina tankar och känna på mitt innre.. I guess. Sedan gungade jag, det är det BÄSTA som finns skulle jag tro. helt seriöst. Det är när nog till att få flyga litegrann, bara för en halv sekund, precis innan man tvingas ner från toppen av sitt sving, så står allt stilla. Älskart!

Jag tog by the way Brons medalj i Saolin Kung-fu handfrom häromdagen. Hehe, första gången jag vunnit någonting
någonsin! yey.




Men skall jag knyta mig, efter många om och men, är dte kanske dags nu snart.

(水嶋ヒロ <--- Tjejer, han är het.)

恭弥

Gone, but closer.

Idag händer det. En resa till ställen med en höga nivåer av kultur är på gång. Anländer i Europa den 2a April, vilket innebär att jag är på samma sida av klotet som Franz. Dock i SÖDRA delen, mer specifikt Italien, och vidare till Frankrike, i tio dagar. Världen är ondskefullt grym, fakking teasing bully.
Men palla att ni läser om trista nyheter som det där. Ursäkta mig för att ha slösat din tid.

(Om ni vill skippa en massa möjligtvis smöriga kärleks funderingar, så finns det en dikt längst ner)

Jag tror att jag har hittat kärlek. Åtminstone en gnutta, eller en ledtråd till vad det verkligen kan vara.
De senaste två veckorna har jag funderat över om jag någonsin verkligen känt någon kärlek större än vänskap. Jag är en cynisk själ, och brukar tycka att det som händer i tonåren sällan kan anses "genuint". Jag undrade hur i hela friden man vet när man älskar någon på riktigt. Vad är det man verkligen känner när man älskar någon? Jag kom till slutsatsen att det måste bara vara kemikalier i hjärnan som påverkar alla som tjatar om sina senaste "love of their life". *suck*...

Men, (o)lägligt nog, så började jag nyligen känna något annorlunda. Jag oroade mig över saker. När hon berättar att hon är mer eller mindre aktiv över helgen så oroar jag mig över vad det är hon gör - utan mig. Jag önskar jag vore där. Vad fasiken... JAG VILL INTE HA NÅGOT MED SÅDANT HÄR ATT GÖRA. Jag bestämde mig för ett tag sen att strunta fullkomligt i alla chanser som presenterade sig, och det funkade mycket bra i nästan 2 år (Okej, inte HELT bra...). Och nu det här. Knark och wtf.
Tills vidare har jag påpekat för mig själv ett par saker:

• Jag känner henne inte tillräckligt bra än för att kunna anse det som  såkallad "äkta kärlek" med logisk resonemang. 
• På grund av föregående punkt så får det jag känner bara kallas för tillfällig småförälskelse.
• På grund av föregående punkter så måste jag helt enkelt skylla dessa känslor på kemikaliska reaktioner i hjärnan.

Så där har ni det. 

Och låt bli fråga. Det är allt jag säger tills vidare.

__________________

Soo... Since I moved and got into writing music with a dear friend of mine (writing together overseas by the way, not an easy task), I've actively been writing lyrics and poems and other kinds of texts. I figure if FranzEdward is doing (fantastic) visual arts, I may as well put my junk load of crap up here to accompany it, hopefully not in a degrading way. 

Last week I was reading through a number of poems in a friend's Facebook notes. One of the lines in a poem was about taking a bullet for somebody you love. That got me thinking: What would be more significant than taking a bullet? 

What immediately came to mind was taking a train. Not in a Superman kind of way. More like, "If you're standing on the tracks, I'm going to be the one standing next to you when the train approaches". Maybe it's just me, but I love that idea. 

This is the result, after two attempts. Hope you enjoy =)

Title: Train of Thought

Credit to a certain JC for the inspiration.

I often wonder about that night

The time, the insanity, the horrendous fright

I knew why you were there, the cause

And I knew it was I who had done you wrong 

My crime was irreperable, damaging and cruel

Detestable and abominable, I know I'm a fool

But I never imagined you'd actually stand there

There on those tracks, waiting without a care

But that's not what makes me wonder.

What makes me wonder is how things went

How when I stood by your side, still you showed resentment

How time stood still as we stood in the light

That time was not ours, alone it was mine

With hatred in your eyes, you pushed me aside

You knew what I'd live with - I caught your haunting smile

Time hit play and the deafening sound thundered

Most deafening of all was the moment you departed.

This is my last post for at least ten days. Hear from me later ^^
And if I may take one last chunk out of your time today, I recommend hitting the track Gone by Pearl Jam in the playlist. Great track, as are all the rest. But for the sake of this post, Gone is particularly fitting in a way.
Tack för mig!